Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

Dr. Seuss' Cat in the Hat

The Cat in the Hat: A story told with 236 distinct words in anapestic tetrameter.

Today is the birthday
of dear Dr. Seuss,
whose structures were tightly
and musings were loose.

Delighting all ages,
he showed us the key
on how far you can go
without an Em-Dee.


Sony and Snooping and Hollywood and Hypocrisy

For years, corporations have told the peasants that privacy means something new. Apparently the corporations didn't get their own memo.

For years, corporations told the peasants that privacy means something new now. Apparently the corporations didn’t get their own memo. Take it away, Ms. London…

[every move you make, every step you take, i’ll be watching you]
Whenever I bring up the topic of Internet privacy to someone, I usually get the same response:

“I have nothing to hide.”

So I immediately ask the person:  “What’s your annual salary?”

At which point we both discover there’s something to hide.

But most people don’t feel it’s important enough to maintain privacy when you consider the “free” goodies you can get on the Internet.  Like launching birds with elastics to land on pigs.  What.  Wait a minute.  You haven’t played the game in a while?

Doesn’t matter.  They still have your data from when you downloaded the app.

Perhaps, however, you were clever and decided not to participate in the digital social network.

Doesn’t matter. They still have your data from when your friends downloaded the app.

That’s right.  Most companies begin building their digital profile of you by simply asking your friends or, more exactly, your friends’ contact lists.  This includes the obvious snooping companies (like Facebook and LinkedIn) but also the not so obviously snooping companies (like Snapchat and Waze).

Did you consent to your info being handed out by your friends?

Of course, not.  Then again, Google Grand Poo-Bah Eric Schmidt has told us that

“If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.”

Which translates from rich-speak as roughly “Fuck you, peasant.”  Emphasis on “fuck” in the unpleasant sense.  (Never mind that  Schmidt is a hypocrite first-class who has tried to have his own records – and affairs – scrubbed off the Internet.)

Spy vs SpySo corporations are slowly training us peasants.  They are training us to use “free” email services which are regularly perused and read by corporate employees. They are training us that spying is a natural part of the Internet. They are training us to put more and more of our data not on our own devices but in their cloud.  You know, the “safe” cloud that can only be hacked when pictures of naked women are involved.  (Ever wonder why smart phones and tablets have so little onboard memory?  Kinda encourages you to put stuff on the cloud, doesn’t it?)

Basically, corporations are training us that modern people have no right to expect privacy.

But, according to the United States Supreme Court, corporations are people, too.

Which brings us to Sony, that “person” who recently got hacked.  Among things that got leaked to a third-party?  Well, the usual stuff that corporations yank from the peasants:

  • The equivalent of a “contact list” – a lot of employee data.
  • Digital stacks of email.
  • And, oh yes, salaries. (Always with the salaries.)

Now remember that when you download an app by the Sony Corporation, you give Sony permission to do a lot of things.  Such as look at your contact list or text messages (actions that involve people who have nothing to do with downloading the app and have not given their consent to Sony for anything). Of course, person Sony (just like person Eric Schmidt) has no difficulty in telling you not to expect privacy. Or, to paraphrase Eric Schmidt:  “Don’t connect to the Internet if you don’t want to risk your privacy.”  (Why isn’t he saying something like that to person Sony?)

Welcome to Personhood, Sony.  You wanted it, you got it.  I know how sucky it feels to be violated by some third-party simply because we are, more or less, forced to participate in digital society today.

After all, you’ve done it to me, Sony.  And I haven’t even downloaded any of your apps.

But, I get it.  Like any of the super-rich, a corporate person’s reach is vast and there are plenty more societal consequences than when a peasant is violated. For example, theaters naturally wanted to avoid an opening day like The Dark Knight Rises.  As a result, they decided to take the hackers’ threats of physical violence seriously and not screen the Sony film, The Interview.  This left Sony in a bind: their business model requires that a certain number of theaters show the film.  Without those theaters, the business model falls apart anyway, so Sony decided to cancel the theatrical release.

Enter now the faux-brave keyboard “patriots” who are crying about this cancellation.  Their basic argument:  a cross between “America caved!” and “Freedom of Speech!”

Um, no.

America didn’t cave.  America did nothing.  Sony made a decision.  A business decision. Sony is a corporation, a person (says the Supreme Court).  It’s not America.  It’s not a country.  Hell, Sony is not even headquartered in a single country.  It’s a multinational (a citizen of the world, perhaps?).

And “freedom of speech”?  Just as the right-wing went berserk over French Freedom Fries 11 years earlier, the left-wing is presently going berserk about how Hollywood is censoring itself.  As if the left-wing had never heard of the Hays Office or the arbitrariness of the MPAA system.  Actor George Clooney gripes about not getting anyone to co-sign his petition.  Writer Aaron Sorkin wants the unions to get involved and support its exposed members.  And on my Facebook feed, I see plenty of people – who are usually skeptical of the Warren Report or Global Climate Change or both – swallow this “America under attack!” narrative in its entirety.

There’s outrage out there, I tell you.  Outrage!

How quickly we forget that the United States government was the first major institution to put America under a cyberattack.

How quickly we forget that the US government was the first major institution to put America under a cyberattack.

So let’s review a bit of history.  Hollywood is hardly weak.  In fact, Hollywood, in the form of the MPAA and several unions (including the DGA and SAG), openly lobbied Congress to break the Internet as we know it and eliminate Net Neutrality. Hey, Mr. Clooney:  that was the free speech issue, not whether a studio decides to release a film or not.  Where was your petition then?  Or did you support your unions in their efforts to change the way the Internet works? Even now, the “weak” MPAA is still trying to overturn Net Neutrality, though in a more secret manner.

And where were the Hollywood petitions and public outrage in 2006 when we discovered that AT&T fed entire phone conversations to the NSA without any warrants whatsoever?  Wasn’t this a massive government-backed hack as well? Or are there different standards when it is organic people (the non-corporate kind) who get violated by a government?  Where was your editorial on that concern over privacy, Mr. Sorkin?

If Hollywood and those rallying around it over a Seth Rogan movie had bothered to raise the issue of wholesale NSA spying on the regular (organic) citizens back in 2006, we wouldn’t have needed Edward Snowden to point out a few things in 2013.  But apparently, the violations of privacy only become a national crisis when a corporate (non-organic) person is involved.

Hack historian Newt Gingrich declared “America has lost its first cyberwar.”  Well, he was half-right.  America has indeed lost its first cyberwar but it was the United States government and their corporate allies who successfully attacked (and continue to attack) America.  And not a peep from the attackees.  Better these organic people focus their attention on supporting a corporate person who already enjoys more government privilege and access than they will ever have.

It’s much easier to fight for your “right” to watch a film.  Much easier to mumble “freedom of speech.”  Much easier to be a pretend patriot.

It’s less scary that way.

For if it’s true that a tiny, isolated country can successfully muster asymmetric cyberwarfare against a corporation more than 3x its size (by valuation), imagine what the mightiest military-industrial complex the world has ever known can do to its own peasant citizens.

Good thing those peasants have nothing to hide.

The ALS Challenge, Water, and the Hipster Slacktivists

Stephen Hawking

The man most closely associated with ALS: Lou Gehrig.

[nobody knows how dry I am]
This year’s major viral craze is a challenge that involves donating to the ALS Association (a non-profit organization that aims to find a cure for ALS aka amyotrophic lateral sclerosis aka Lou Gehrig’s Disease).  Basically you dump a bucket of ice water on your head, give to the ALS Association, and challenge others to do the same.  It’s a lot like the viral Harlem Shake video from 2013 but without the water, the ice, and the cash.

Predictably, the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has spurred a backlash.  This is the Internet, after all, and hipster contrarians must have their say.  You’ve seen these daffy folks: they’re the ones screaming “wabbit season!” if you say “duck season!” or “duck season!” if you say “wabbit season!”

For the hipster contrarians, the important thing is to be swimming upstream because that means you must be smarter than the herd if only that wasn’t such a mixed metaphor.

It’s hard to find fault with the challenge, particularly since donations to the ALS Association have been wildly up as a result of it, but that doesn’t stop these elitist sourpusses. Their first line of attack was the usual one of narcissism.  The contrarians claim that people were only donating because they get to brag about it.  Well, donations are legal tender either way, bragging or not.   A buck is a buck no matter how you got it.  (Just ask an exotic dancer.  Or Rupert Murdoch.)   And, what’s with bullying of the little people?  Why not attack the Stanfords or the Carnegie-Mellons for putting their names on universities?  Why not attack the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation?  The Rockefeller Foundation?  The David H. Koch Institute for Integrative Cancer Research?  (Yes, he’s that Koch.)  The contrarians, however, decide to guilt trip only the little people, the common folk who deign to comment on their own giving.


With money rolling into the ALS Association at an unprecedented rate, however, this  argument has become rather weak.  So the hipster contrarians decided to focus on the water itself.  Dang!  Spilling water!  There’s climate change!  There’s drought in California!   There’s thirsty people in Africa! (That last one was from a Ricky Gervais tweet that’s since been deleted, though he forgot to also delete his follow-up response.)

Look, I appreciate those that think about the water they will use in the challenge and either dump it into a pool or on some thirsty plant life.  It’s always good to be conscientious about all acts involving Earth’s finite resources.   And both of my faithful readers know that I’m as green as the next guy with foot fungus.  I’ve written about the environment before and before that.  But the numbers – about which the contrarians apparently know nothing – don’t support their holy-water-than-thou remarks.

This woman refused my ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  Must be because she's green.

This woman refused my ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Must be because she’s green.

A putz recently wowed hipsters who struggled through Algebra I with an article that estimated 6 million gallons of water had been “wasted” as a result of the challenge.  Now 6 million sounds like a big number.  And it was.  In 1973.  When it took that number of dollars to turn an astronaut into a bionic man.  Today, however, that amount of scratch wouldn’t even get you onto an old Russian rocket to achieve Earth orbit.

So how big a deal is 6 million gallons of water, really?

Not as much as you might think.

The average toilet flush is 3 gallons (about half that if you’ve installed a newer, low-flow model).   Meaning that if just 2 million people save one flush in one day (stop tossing those spiders down the toilet!), we’ve wiped out the total ALS water use debt.

Or how about this?  The average shower head sprays between  4 (old models) or 2 (new models) gallons per minute.  Let’s just split the difference and say shower heads use 3 gallons per minute.  Than means if 2 million people shave just one minute off their shower once, we’ve wiped out the total ALS water use debt.

In other words, it’s almost certain that the average person (and certainly the average hipster contrarian) wastes more water in a single day (day after day!) than is used in the average bucket challenge.

The irony, of course, is that these contrarians, who like to talk about the slacktivism of others, are slacktivists themselves.  Pontificating loudly about water usage, pretending that means they actually care about water.  Because, you know, if we just cut out all these narcissistic ALS water dumping exercises, we can go back to ignoring the real water crises:

Those worried about a tenuous link between dumping ice water and donating to ALS research should recognize there’s an equally tenuous link between dumping ice water and drought.

So dump away, donators!  Dump without guilt!

And chill out, slacktivist hipster contrarians, chill out.  Sit on a block of ice if need be.  Yes, the planet can afford it.  (It can even afford the precious energy used to freeze the water into ice.)  You aren’t more aware than the rest of us.  You don’t care more than the rest of us.  Let your outrage be directed at more meaningful – and far more essential – water projects.  Besides, isn’t it getting to be about that time for your annual rants on Burning Man?

Update (August 25, 2014):  This viral “fad” has now raised $80M for the ALS Association.  To put that into perspective in all of 2013, the ALS Association had a budget of $24M and in all of 2012, it had a budget of $19.7M.

Baby, It’s Cold Inside

[snow job]
Have you seen this video of Lady Gaga and Joseph Gordon-Levitt?  It purports to involve a seduction.

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is a duet written in 1944 and has all the sexual baggage you might assume from that era.  Especially when interpreted in ours.  The “mouse” (as written in the score) or “prey” (as some might interpret the situation today) wants to go home but the “wolf” (then) or “predator” (now) tries to get the mouse to stay.  And it’s pretty obvious why the wolf is a concern troll about the weather outside.

You can have a lot of fun at your next holiday party by asking whether this song is about a coy mouse that really wants to play or a predator that is about to commit date rape.

But that’s not what is at issue here.  Let’s assume that any singer who performs the song is not trying to enable or justify bad behavior.  After all, we humans don’t always say exactly what’s on our minds (did he really just write that?) since we are really social animals constantly trying to balance our own desires with what we think the herd expects from us (oh my God, he did just write that!).  So when you can corral feminists like Miss Piggy to sing this tune (albeit as the wolf), it’s safe to claim that for many, even the highly sensitive, the song’s charms are about examining us humans as odd creatures whose words – despite being literal – cannot always be taken literally.

Which brings us to the hammy performance above (Lady Gaga, not Miss Piggy).  It’s cute to reverse the traditional gender roles and place Lady Gaga in the role of the wolf.  This gives the song a bit of an update.  If we went further and made Lady Gaga’s duet partner the très féminin Miss Piggy (remember, this is a “Muppet Holiday Spectacular”), you’d update things even more.  And convince the righteous religious that Hollywood really is pushing the idea of inter-species matrimony.  (Another light topic for your next holiday party.)

Playing it safe, however, the producers hired Joseph Gordon-Levitt for the role of the mouse.  To be fair, he isn’t known as a singer, but I’ll give Gordon-Levitt (and the producers) a pass here.  To make the song work, it’s more important for us to believe that Lady Gaga wants to make beautiful music with him rather than actually have Lady Gaga make beautiful music with him.  I can even make allowances for Gordon-Levitt singing the line “my father will be pacing the floor” – which should have been rewritten to have any hope of dramatic credibility.  (Mothers will worry regardless.)

So what is the problem with the video?  It’s that our divine Miss Gaga is racing through the song.  Trying to swing, rather than sway, Gordon-Levitt.  In short (she’s only 5 feet 1 inch), Lady Gaga isn’t seducing like a man.  More like a teenaged boy.

Some things, like ketchup and the DMV, simply can’t be rushed.

Yes, I know this is a broadcast television holiday special tied to the Muppets.  Sure, the viewers represent a wide demographic but isn’t it possible to talk to two audiences at the same time?  Gentle subtlety is, after all, the point of the song.  Besides, since the children are already hearing the lyric “say, what’s in this drink?” we might as well hint that no one is trying to poison anyone to death.

Which is a more appropriate topic for the Brothers Grimm anyway.

So let’s recouple the andante back with the pantie.  Uptempo is not the rhythm of seduction.  Here’s an example of one slow wolf, who could easily swing with the groove of Ray Charles, demonstrating this exact point.  Enjoy the cochlear cleansing: