The Boy Scouts of America just reiterated their strict no-tolerance policy on having gay members. They apparently had a two-hour review — with review panel members’ identities being kept secret. Why can’t these panelists come out of the closet?
After all, a 19-year-old Eagle Scout just did. He must have remembered that the very first part of the Scout Law says to be trustworthy. And you have to honor this guy for being truthful: “I’m gay”. I’m assuming he had his Japanese merit badge because the first response from the Boy Scouts of America was “sayonara”.
But this really begs the question: how the hell did a gay person pass through all those levels of scouting to attain the highest level of Eagle Scout, without being found out? This is a very difficult rank to achieve: only 2% of all scouts get there.
The Boy Scouts have to start by taking a good look at why they are even attracting gay members. Let’s begin with their symbol. It’s the fleur-de-lis, literally meaning the “flower of the lily.” Flower of the lily? Ummm… gay! So right off, we have a problem. And of course, who is most known for the use of this symbol? The French court. French? Gay! Seriously, the French court is where they invented the idea of men in wigs and pumps. Gay and gay!
Now let’s examine the merit badges the Boy Scouts offer. Remember, these are activities that, by definition, the Boy Scouts encourage. Looking down this list, there are plenty of nice, safe activities for a wholesome American boy to take part in: Camping, Backpacking, Truck Transportation, Nuclear Science (we still need A-bombs to defend the country!), Crime Prevention (what a nice way to label alcohol and tobacco as gateway drugs), Engineering, American Business (not those socialist European business models!), even Whitewatering. You get the idea. Things that gay boys wouldn’t at all be interested in.
But have a closer look. We also have merit badges on Art, Basketry, Pottery, and Theater. Basketry? That’s no activity for a straight boy! And Theater? Theater? The only place where more gays congregate is the local monastery. What kind of activities are these for an American boy? Naturally you are going to attract a gay membership with these types of badges! But it gets worse. There are merit badges for Reading, Coin Collecting, and Stamp Collecting. Even in middle school my friends labeled these activities as gay.
What next? A merit badge in Interior Design? Or Scrapbooking?
But here’s the final straw: A merit badge in American Cultures. That’s right: cultures. With an ‘s’. Plural.
There is only one American culture — well, okay, there’s a few: British, Italian, Irish, and German. But that’s it. And the Boy Scouts know it. If we start worrying about people who aren’t real Americans (with skin colors that aren’t white or religions that don’t involve Christ), then it’s just one short step into accepting different sexual orientations! American Cultures??? This is simply hidden sensitivity training… preparing us for a future where society accepts gays as equals to regular people.
Clearly the Boy Scouts are not doing enough to discourage gay boys from joining. Sure, there is a Dog Care merit badge with no equivalent one for “Cat Care” (real men don’t own cats), but that’s not enough. There are still plenty of ways for these undesirable boys to slip through the cracks and advance all the way to Eagle Scout.
I’d like to suggest a way to remedy this overall issue. The solution is simple yet elegant. The Boy Scouts needs a mandatory Sex merit badge. Here’s my draft criteria for earning it:
1. Explain how the “morally straight” portion of the Scout Oath describes why it is only possible to be moral if you are straight.
2. Explain why you do not enjoy musical theater.
3. Do ONE of the following:
- Explain why the British phrase “bum a fag” should not be used with Americans.
- Using your counselor’s rear end, demonstrate the proper way to slap your teammate’s ass after the football game.
4. Do TWO of the following:
- Give 14 colloquialisms for breasts.
- Explain why you are a breast, leg, or ass man.
- Describe the g-spot and why it is difficult to find.
- Explain what it means to “spiderman dat hoe.”
5. Write a 400-word essay describing why you’d brag about being touched by your 23-year-old female English teacher but you’d be ashamed being touched by your 23-year-old clergyman or football coach.
6. Ancient history, do ONE of the following:
- Describe how homosexuality led to the downfalls of both the Greek Civilization and Roman Empire.
- Explain why the Bible prohibits homosexuality but allows for polygamy.
7. Discuss the following baseball metaphors:
- What it means to get to 2nd base.
- What it means to get to 3rd base.
- The difference between pitching and catching.
8. Make out with a girl. Record it on video. Show the video at your next scout or local church group meeting. You may not use your sister or any other family member in this video. Female livestock or pets are also not permitted.
9. Demonstrate to your counselor that you know how to masturbate to completion. He will provide you with the Playboy magazine to stimulate your imagination.
A bit involved? Perhaps. But no more so than a merit badge on Nuclear Science! Besides, these are all activities that can be properly encouraged by the Boy Scouts and are appropriate for scouts in both urban and rural areas. The addition of this Sex merit badge will solve the Boy Scout’s problem with gay membership once and for all.
Well, that and the elimination of the “How to recognize child abuse” task in the Crime Prevention badge.
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