[yeah, we rum bum bum; feeling hot hot hot]
Men’s Health magazine recent published their “100 Hottest Women of All-Time.” It’s a dubious thing to publish such a list, especially one that includes the phrase “of all-time,” because it’s doubtful that Men’s Health checked the records of (say) the Kickapoo Native Americans to make sure that some Chieftain’s wife didn’t qualify. But lists are easy to write (you can start by recycling elements from previous lists) and at the end of the year people expect all written material to conform to some sort of list format (e.g. “The top 20 prize hogs found in State Fairs in 2011”).
Moreover, lists are a great way to garner free advertising for your soon-to-be-out-of-business paper magazine. Why? Because lists generate controversy. No one will ever agree with all the choices and everyone feels free to rank the elements on their own. Endless debate means media coverage! And it works.
How do you think I heard of their article?
Because it turns out that Jennifer Aniston topped the list of hottest women of all-time. I’m not making that up. I’m sure she is a nice person and all, but I’m pretty certain that #1 Jennifer Aniston has never really helped many teenage boys make it through puberty. Unlike, oh, say: #58 Rita Hayworth (in the 40s), #30 Jayne Mansfield (in the 50s), #2 Raquel Welch (in the 60s), #31 Farrah Fawcett (in the 70s), #77 Kelly LeBrock (in the 80s), #8 Pamela Anderson (in the 90s) or #10 Angelina Jolie (in the 00s). In fact, Brad Pitt actually made the choice of dumping Aniston for Jolie… which pretty much tells you he wasn’t consulted by Men’s Health when they compiled their list.
But I feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston. She didn’t ask to be placed at the top of the list, but she has to suffer the consequences of being there as if she did. Men’s Health put her at the top of the list because they knew that no one in their right mind (sorry, Jennifer) would put her there. Sure they made a choice that sounds good on paper – Hollywood actress, athletic body, rarely wears a bra – but that choice just didn’t hang together in reality. Take a look:
Well, okay. She does look kinda hot in that picture. But it’s Aniston’s nipples that Men’s Health should have had top their list, not her. I mean, this picture is way sexier than the one that Men’s Health chose to run!
Bottom line is that Men’s Health deliberately compiled their list in such a way to garner attention for their magazine. Viewsaskew isn’t above doing something similarly sneaky. After all, this blog could use the publicity from the media as well. In fact, it needs it even more than Men’s Health.
With that in mind, I’ve compiled a scientifically generated list of the 100 hottest men of all-time. Space requirements, however, limit publishing only the top 10 hottest men (of all-time), but surely there is something you will disagree with here. If so, I beg you to immediately contact your local media outlet to express your outrage. And make sure you are clear with the reporter that your complaint is with the list found on “viewsaskew.wordpress.com.”
Got that? Okay! Let’s proceed:
10. Arthur Miller (playwright): Oh, sure. Women say it all the time: “I need a man with smarts.” Right. That’s why the cheerleaders always hang out with the chess club. But in one instance, a woman did make good on her promise: Marilyn Monroe – the sex goddess herself – came down from Mount Hollywood and provided her curves to Arthur Miller, the man who made horn-rimmed glasses unpopular while Buddy Holly was trying to popularize them. To charm the sexiest woman on the planet, Miller must have had something going for him – besides the wife he dumped to marry Monroe.
But, poor Arthur Miller. In spite of his Pulitzer prize-winning genius, he wasn’t smart enough to simply schtup the babe, he had to marry her as well. And that marriage by all accounts was miserable. Still, his coupling with Marilyn did give him enough fodder for another play and forever gave hope to all toady, bald, bespectacled writers that someday they, too, might bang the smoking hot girl who usually went after baseball players, chauffeurs, makeup artists, cabana boys, and Presidents of the United States.
9. Roger Rabbit (comedian): Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. How can Roger Rabbit be on the Hottest Man list when he’s a toon? And a rabbit? Easy: he epitomizes that classic quality that women claim they want in their men: “He makes me laugh.” Which is how he landed the impossibly shapely toon, Jessica Rabbit. So she said anyway. Personally, I think ol’ Mrs. Roger Rabbit was really into “furry sex” before it became mainstream. Because check out the groupies at comedy shows. They sure don’t look like the ones at rock concerts. Jessica Rabbit represents the Hollywood ideal of the woman who the boy who generates fart sounds with his armpit hopes to get. But maybe, in the end, she was just won over by Roger screwing her like a rabbit.
8. Jack Nicholson (actor): Was there ever a Hollywood bad boy who was badder than this bad boy?
Jack Nicholson is a good friend and contemporary of Warren Beatty and if urban legends have any accuracy at all, both had a pretty damned good time dating in Hollywood from the 1960s through the 1980s. This despite Jack’s 16 year relationship with Angelica Huston during this same period. But while Beatty ended up settling down with Annette Bening in 1991, Jack continued the party rolling right along. Because no matter how crazy Jack acts – and this is the guy voted “class clown” in high school – his eyebrows allow him a latitude of devilish charm that women find irresistible. Yes, there is no denying his acting talent… but yes, there is no denying he didn’t have to stretch his rogue self when playing Satan in The Witches of Eastwick. Especially during the seduction scenes.
7. George Takei (actor): Every one of these “top” lists suffers from not enough diversity. (Part of that will add to the controversy over the list and guarantee someone from some academic post will comment on NPR which further broadens the viral buzz about the list… so don’t think this lack-of-diversity thing is unintentional.) Consequently, we need a little flavah on the list. George Takei – the original Star Trek’s Sulu – is therefore a gift from heaven: he’s both Asian and gay. Two special interest groups covered without having to give up two slots on the list! More importantly, George is legitimately hot: was there ever a swashbuckling spaceman who looked so good without his shirt? Besides, George has found a new career as a comedian (see Roger Rabbit above) boldly going where no man has gone before: taking on William Shatner’s ego. Especially when getting Shatner to pronounce his name correctly:
I’ve been working with Bill Shatner these 40-plus years. He never seems to get it right. I gave him, “It’s Takei, as in way.” I even said, “as in gay”… I told him, “It’s Takei, rhymes with toupee.” I thought that would do it.
Well, George made me laugh. Oh, my.
6. Justin Bieber (singer): Sure, he’s just barely a man. Does that disqualify him from being considered for this list? I don’t think so. I put a cartoon rabbit in the 9th slot after all.
Fact is, Justin does get the girls. Literal girls in this case. But lots of them. His popularity began with teenaged girls who followed his every move on the Internet. And, judging by record sales, they are a fanatically devoted group. We therefore can’t discount Justin’s desirability simply because his initial fan base is young. Just ask Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, or even the Beatles. (Of course, you may not want to ask Bobby Sherman, Tony DeFranco, or even the Bay City Rollers.) Sales are sales, after all. No one ever cards you for laying down money to experience art.
Except in strip clubs.
Justin’s desirability increases precisely because he is safe. He is a good Christian and against pre-marital sex. (Where have we heard that before?) This makes him adorable. It makes him the elusive flying pink unicorn (with manicured hooves) to little girls everywhere. Including the inner little girls of the mothers of Justin’s fan base. The ones who get sexually aroused by the beauty of an innocent, pure (i.e. non-sexual) relationship. And by that convoluted logic, Justin Bieber earns his slot here.
5. Madonna (singer): In an amazing coincidence, Madonna is also 5th on the Men’s Health list as well. Why is she included here? Well, look at her! Highly muscular, all angles. Even her bras are sharp conical objects. She feminized Sandra Bernhard. Out tough-guyed Sean Penn. And gay men want to share her bed (as seen in her film, Truth or Dare). What else would you demand from a tough-as-nails stud? Indeed, as the chameleon performer who has constantly re-invented herself, there’s really only one transformation left.
4. Sir Lancelot (knight): Lists like this need to show they aren’t just about current personalities. They also require historical figures – if only to satisfy those who still believe that what they learned in 10th grade history is valuable information. In this case, our historical figure is, in fact, fictional, but that’s okay since he’s such a large part of the Arthurian legend that maybe no one will notice. Indeed, the French invented Lancelot to inject a little sex into a boring set of Anglo legends that, until that time, had only to do with (yawn) purity and honor and politeness. So the French set up a little love triangle (a ménage à trois? – how typically French!) between this most-favored-knight (Lancelot), his boss (Arthur), and his boss’s wife (Guinevere). And just in case anyone missed the purpose of the insertion, the French gave this fictional knight a name which would provide snickers to English-speaking school boys for ever after.
3. Elvis Presley (singer): Was there ever a man more beautiful than Elvis (beside Madonna, I mean)? Possibly his still-born identical twin brother, but that’s a moot point. Like Marilyn (who also occupies the #3 slot on the Men’s Health list), Elvis made his mark in the black & white 50s, was so famous as to be known by his first name only, wore mascara and eyeliner, redefined American sexuality, and looked fantastic in black fishnet stockings.
But Elvis was more than a pretty face with great hips. He was a bona fide talent and although he was referred to as “the King”, he could have just as easily been referred to as “the Voice.” That’s aphrodisiac enough. Now toss in that Elvis had mastered the manly arts of (a) karate; (b) frying up (and eating!) peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwiches; and (c) stalking and shooting television sets and it’s easy to understand why women of all shapes and sizes would toss their underwear at him onstage even after he became a bloated parody of his earlier self.
2. John Holmes (porn star): One of the dirty little secrets that women carry around is this: size matters.
We are not talking about bank accounts here.
Oh, sure. Women will deny it in public. They may even try to spare your feelings in private. But go to an adult toy store sometime and look at the dildo section. You’ll see dildos come in two sizes and two sizes only: XXL and XXXL.
I’m pretty sure the manufacturers know their markets rather well.
So, size matters and that is reason enough to place John Holmes on this list. Rumors on the size of his personality range from 10 to 16 inches. (That’s a rather large error bar when you think about it.) Regardless of the exact length, he was obviously well endowed and his reputation preceded him.
By about a foot, it seems.
How can a porn star end up on the hottest men of all-time list, you cry? Well, Men’s Health included two porn stars on their list: Sasha Grey (#85) and Jenna Jameson (#49). And, sure, you can claim both of these women somehow made it into the mainstream, but so did John Holmes: the film Boogie Nights is loosely based on his life. In the film, he is played by Hollywood star, Mark Wahlberg. However, while Wahlberg modeled underwear early in his career, Holmes had to go commando – that size thing again.
Which brings us to…
1. Donald Trump (businessman): He’s tall. He’s sure of himself. He’s wealthy. He’s a television star. He does his own hair. Aren’t these the studly traits that all women swoon over? Sure, his confidence is actually obnoxious arrogance. Sure, he’s been in bankruptcy several times. Sure, he’s only in a reality show that is broadcast on NBC. And sure, it’s still not clear if his combover is based on a weave. But at 6’2″ (he claims 6’3″), Donald Trump is at least tall. And women like tall. Not as much as big. But tall is still good.
Here is masculinity at its finest: audacious and cocksure. (Can a woman ever truly be cocksure?) He’s a businessman known for giving people the business. He bases his dealings on the same foundation of thrift, fortitude, lies, and deceit that spurred the country’s great economic growth. And that is manly indeed. For this reason, The Donald trumps the list of the hottest men of all-time. I’m just hoping he stays in the spotlight long enough for people to actually remember him. After all, the whole point of the top slot on a list is to generate controversy to garner media attention.
(Pssst… Hey! Media! Jennifer Aniston’s show was also on NBC. And I hear Trump’s nipples are really, really hot, too!)
If you enjoyed this post, please consider subscribing over on the right side of the page. If you didn’t enjoy it, please contact some media outlet to express your outrage over the list’s elements and ordering. Thank you for reading and commenting!